Monday, July 15, 2013

I gotta bad habit...





I started smoking when I was 16 years old. Meaning as of this point in my life, I've been a smoker almost as long as I've been a non-smoker.

I want to quit.

The only reason I started was over a stupid boy. A stupid STUPID boy.

My first cigarette happened pretty much like this:

Stupid Boy, "The waitresses tip me in cigarettes. You want to try one with me?"
Me, "No. I have asthma. Probably not the best idea."

 ~~3 days later.~~

Stupid Boy, "The waitresses tipped me in cigarettes again. You still have asthma?"
Me, "Yes, dipshit. It doesn't just go away."

~~3 hours later.~~

Stupid Boy, "I still have those cigarettes."
Me, "FINE, IF IT WILL SHUT YOU UP LONG ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO ME GO ALL EMO AND TALK ABOUT HOW MY MOTHER HATES ME AND HOW E E CUMMINGS IS THE BEST POET EVARRRRRR...."

~~3 seconds later.~~

Stupid Boy, "Hey... HEY! You alright?"
Me, looking up at him from the floorboard of my car, "Wtf just happened? Let me try that again."

Stupid. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I went from 1 a day to 1 every waking hour. When I'm nervous? I smoke twice as many.

I want to quit. I need to quit. I want to see Lillie walk down the aisle. I want to chase my Grandbabies around the park. I want to run faster. I want to WANT to run.

Worst habit EVER.

e e cummings is still the best... for instance...



maggie and milly and molly and may
10

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea 
 

 

maggie and milly and molly and may

  by E. E. Cummings
              10

maggie and milly and molly and may 
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang 
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing 
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone 
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) 
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15406#sthash.fwLh5BIm.dpuf

maggie and milly and molly and may

  by E. E. Cummings
              10

maggie and milly and molly and may 
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang 
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing 
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone 
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) 
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15406#sthash.fwLh5BIm.dpuf

maggie and milly and molly and may

  by E. E. Cummings
              10

maggie and milly and molly and may 
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang 
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing 
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone 
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) 
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15406#sthash.fwLh5BIm.dpuf

maggie and milly and molly and may

  by E. E. Cummings
              10

maggie and milly and molly and may 
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang 
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing 
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone 
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) 
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15406#sthash.fwLh5BIm.dpuf

7 comments:

  1. I know it seems like a lateral move at first, but try a vapor cigarette, if you can get a starter kit, which comes with a battery and a charger and a case, and a bottle of fluid.

    I have had a half cigarette in a month, A MONTH, cousin, and even then I was disgusted it tasted like I'd just licked an ashtray, and that was because I managed to lose my backup and smashed my main battery. NEVER want to do that again.

    They give you a dose going by how much you smoke, so you don't have very much in the way of withdrawals if at all, hell I breathe better, I don't hack much these days, so much less than originally, and they have FLAVORS, omg I've tried coconut, tiger's blood and am currently vaping caramel... so tasty :D, and I feel BETTER. The biggest roadblock I hit was those first few days forgetting that I didn't have to look for a lighter or a pack of smokes, and my house and my clothes smell SO MUCH BETTER, if you want to quit but don't think cold turkey is going to work, try them out. If nothing else, it takes away the tar and ick from the cigarette portion, you still get the nicotene but without the odor and black lung

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've got an e-cigarette. It's just a matter of making the switch. I don't do flavored.

      Delete
  2. Love that poem! I quit using the patch. Never wear that shit at night though - horrible nightmares.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The patch made me an unbearable psychopath. I have an e-cigarette I use for long trips and emergencies... I really do want to quit.

      Delete
  3. That ad at the top of the page is so disturbing. I never smoked a cigarette because I was terrified I would get addicted to it just like this. I have a hard enough time saying no to CANDY, I can't imagine how hard it must be to drop an actual addiction. Keep working on it!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chocolate anything is my other vice. I can't say no.

      Delete
  4. My husband used to smoke, and he still craves cigarettes when he is stressed out, but so far has been able to resist. Just keep trying to quit, and one day it will be true.

    ReplyDelete

There was an error in this gadget